Diary of a Disturbing Influence

Of all my family members, I am the only one to be born in winter. Winter suits my personality, which is exactly the problem. It was so cold this morning that I swear I could taste snow in my mouth. It was the type of cold that freezes your ears and waters your eyes; the type of chill that numbs your face and rips your lips. I don’t blame the sun for hiding. I would too. I am, actually. This is not a day for sunshine.

Winter is wild and unpredictable in Ohio. It spits sleet and howls at the windows. I can understand why the ancients thought a howling wind is an omen of death. It sounds like the sky itself is screaming. I can picture an angry Norse giantess or a mourning Demeter tearing the sky like a mourner ripping her clothes. But this is Ohio, and Winter is as bipolar as I am. I am as likely to see the sun as I am a snowstorm. I’ve said before that Ohio’s weather needs lithium and I stand by that statement. However, no amount of psychotherapy will change the soul of Winter. She is what she is.

But a windy bitter day does not completely capture the darkness of depression. Depression is not necessarily cold. Sometimes it’s like a warm dark sludge, like quicksand. You feel it grab your feet and before you realize what is happening you are up to your neck in choking mud. Sometimes, though, it’s like a black wave that sweeps you off your feet. A rip tide carries you out to sea and there is no Coast Guard for the depressed. And sometimes, it’s like a wet gray blanket that covers everything around you. It’s so heavy that you can’t push it off yourself and eventually you stop trying, and let it smother you.

So I’ll say this much for Winter: she is not passive or still. A storm is sometimes better than the calm. At least there’s activity; at least you can feel the cold. If you’re becalmed long enough the entire world becomes a silhouette. Every year, this is what my world becomes. Medication delays it, keeps things clearer longer. But it still happens. It will always happen. Winter and I are Siamese twins. We entered the world together and I strongly suspect that we will leave it the same way, no matter what shape that ending takes.