Diary of a Disturbing Influence

There are some people, some trends that rise above the level of pet peeve. They are not merely petty annoyances, but rather sources of deep personal disturbance. Here is Sarah’s List of Things That Really Bother Her, 2008-2009 Edition.

1. Twilight Fans

“Fan” doesn’t really describe the depth of devotion these misguided (mostly female) people feel for Stephanie Meyer’s hideous Twilight Series. If you’re not aware, the Twilight Series is a badly written account of one idiotic teenage girl’s obsessive infatuation with her abusive vampire stalker. The series culminates in her marriage to and pregnancy by said stalker. The resulting fetus nearly kills her, but she refuses to abort. So she births Killer Fetus and her werewolf former flame immediately bonds with it. In other words. this is the story of an idiot, centuries old sperm and a pedophiliac werewolf.

What’s worse, girls love it. They’re obsessed. They dream of Edward Cullen (that’s the creepy stalker vampire, who just happens to glitter in the sunlight). They want to have his Killer Fetuses. In the names of good literature and feminism, I hereby name Twilight Fans the most horrifying phenomenon of 2008-2009.

2. Proposition 8

The only reason that California’s newly passed Proposition 8 is not at the top of my list is because I believe the Supreme Court will overturn it. Otherwise, Proposition 8 and its supporters handily beat Twilight Fans as the most disturbing trend of this year. A recap: Prop 8 bans same-sex marriage. The Mormon church poured millions of dollars into the campaign to pass Prop 8, as did conservative Christians. Prop 8 flies in the face of a Californian Supreme Court ruling that made same-sex marriage legal. The pro-Prop 8 campaign, currently spearheaded by Kenneth Starr (that’s right, the guy who impeached Clinton) is now arguing that all same-sex marriages that took place before the passing of Prop 8 should be nullified, which means that these 18,000 couples will be forcibly divorced. Supporters of Prop 8 have shown a total disregard for the civil rights of millions of Americans, and completely deserve a place on my list. If the Court does not overturn this ban you’ll see Prop 8 overtake Twilight Fans. I find it an amusing coincidence that the Mormon Church has a hand in both Prop 8 and Twilight (Meyer is a Mormon).

3. President Bush’s Midnight Legislation

Sorry, no funny picture. But in case you don’t know, former President Bush left the women of America with a parting gift: he issued an order that would redefine abortion to include contraceptives. The order would allow doctors who mistakenly consider contraceptives abortifacients to refuse to prescribe them. Fortunately, President Obama (I’ll never get tired of writing that) will overturn this blatant attack on reproductive rights. I like my birth control, and frankly, the Catholic Church can kiss my ass. It’s my uterus, not the Pope’s.

4 (tie). Christian Zionists

Christian Zionists have been around for a while, but they make my list this year because of their response to the Israeli invasion of Gaza. Actually, make that their nonresponse. These fanatics believe that Israel has a right to all the land in the Levant, even if those pesky Palestinians happen to be living there. The truly ironic thing is that these Christians believe most Jews are going to hell. As for the state of Israel itself, well, this list is for trends/people that bother me. If I ever compile a list of Countries Whose Leaders Should Be Arrested for Genocide, Israel would be on it.

4 (tie). Christian Patriarchists

The Christian patriarchy movement (closely tied to the Reformed and Quiverfull movements) makes no qualms about its goal to reestablish patriarchy. Organizations like Vision Forum actively push patriarchy as an appropriate lifestyle. I visit Vision Forum’s website for a good laugh; they often feature articles on the scandal of sending your daughter away to college. Members of this movement believe that young women should remain under their father’s control until they marry, and they cannot marry without the father’s consent. Traditional gender roles are strictly applied. Women in this movement typically wear long skirts in an effort to be more ‘feminine’ and are taught to believe that their main purpose in life is to be submissive baby-makers.

The Duggars of TLC fame are members of this movement, as is evangelist Voddie Baucham. Sadly, supporters of patriarchy are gaining momentum in the American church. It’s impossible to guess how many young women are being oppressed by this ideology, forced into a life where their higher education is not considered important and their fathers have say over every aspect of their lives.

5. Ron Paul Supporters

These sad people just can’t accept that Ron Paul is a.) a crackpot and b.) he will never, ever win a presidential election. Ron Paul may have lost, but God damn it these diehards still love the old fart. The fact that Ron Paul’s policies are completely insane doesn’t really factor into their thinking. He’s on the fringe, and so are they. Fortunately for the United States, it looks like they’re staying there. Rather unfortunate is their inablility to STFU about Ron Paul. Give it up, people. Tear down that poster hanging in the student center. But by all means emulate the man who stood in my local busy-as-hell intersection holding a Ron Paul sign.

6. Missionaries to the Preborn

Usually supporters of the “pro-life” movement would be higher on my list. However, Missionaries to the Preborn are so ridiculous that they are merely annoying, and serve no actual threat to reproductive rights. These brave crusaders believe that abortion is murder, and that the fetus is sacred. They even condemn birth control as abortifacient in nature (it’s not, for the record). The founder of this group is so sexist that he wrote an essay in which he lamented that women have the right to vote. Suck on that, Susan B. Anthony.

Missionaries to the Preborn rely on pseudoscience and graphic images, which they display by the side of the road for all to see. In their quest to paint Planned Parenthood as a modern Nazi Party, Missionaries to the Preborn utilize all the weapons at their disposal to fight what they truly believe is a war between good and evil. Fortunately for women, they’re so hilariously crazy that they are completely ineffectual.

7. The Secret Life of the American Teenager

Stephanie Meyer probably watches this series. “Secret Life of the American Teenager” romanticizes teen pregnancy and presents a version of public school that belongs in a category with “Reefer Madness.” I attended two different high schools (private Christian and public) and I never encountered characters like the ones presented in “Secret Life.” It’s completely unrealistic, and it teaches girls that hey, it’s not such a bad thing if you get pregnant. Abortion is unthinkable, and maybe your boyfriend will marry you even if he’s not the father! It’s all good! With teen pregnancy on the rise, a show like this a stupid idea.

8. Jonathan Krohn

Unlike John Stewart, I have no qualms about mocking Jonathan Krohn. Like my mother has so wisely told me, “If you stick your neck out, expect to get it cut off.” I don’t plan on cutting anything off Jonathan Krohn. But he is an annoying little twerp who is, fittingly enough, being lauded as the future of the Republican Party. Krohn has nothing new to say. He’s a fourteen year old parrot. And I will say this: when I was his age, I was a conservative too. I volunteered for conservative campaigns, I wrote letters to the editor condemning Al Gore.  Seven years later I’m the pro-choice Vice President of my college’s chapter of College Democrats. In other words, there’s still hope for Mr. Krohn. Until then, I will revel endlessly in the idea that the Republican Party is so weakened that it is forced to appoint a fourteen year old homeschooler as its torchbearer.

9. Rush Limbaugh

I had hoped that this bloated drug addict held no real influence over the Republican Party. But the Republicans, not satisfied with Sarah Palin and their pre-pubescent homeschool cheerleader, have elevated Rush Limbaugh to the status of Party mouthpiece. That sound you hear? That’s the sound of the Republican Party’s credibility dying a slow and painful death. Limbaugh’s radio show, which runs for three (!) hours every day, is beloved by millions of beknighted listeners who haven’t yet realized that it is not in their best interest for Obama to do like Rush says and fail. LOL, Republicans, LOL.

10. Reformed Theology/Calvinism

Those of you fortunate enough to have no experience with conservative Christianity will probably not understand the depth of my loathing for Reformed Theology. It’s simple: Calvinism is responsible for the dominionist “Take America Back for Jeezus!” crap that is currently preoccuping the American Christian church. You see, Calvin wasn’t exactly a big fan of the separation of church and state. His followers aren’t either.

On a nerdy theological note, I also find Calvin’s so-called “Doctrines of Grace” a contradiction in terms. These doctrines have nothing to do with grace. Calvin believed in limited atonement, the idea that Christ’s sacrifice was intended only for the elect, the people God has chosen to go to heaven. That whole Jesus-died-for-the-whole-world thing? Meh. Some Calvinists go so far as to claim that God has chosen who will go to hell. This is Calvinism taken to its logical conclusion, and it’s disgusting. Calvin himself was no gem. He had no qualms about burning people at the stake, and tolerated no disagreement with his reign over Geneva. I see a trend, and I don’t like it.

This is has been an (incomplete) list of Things That Really Bother Me. Check back next year to see if Ann Coulter can indeed overtake Rush!